Happy Birthday Nora

I'll admit that today will be a sad day for Mike and me. Four years ago today, our angelbaby was born still and grew her angel wings. Usually the anniversary of her birth and official day of her death, with the exception of the first, I have been stoic and refuse to think about all of the unhappiness this day brought.

It brings such pain to remember how from the day of our first anniversary when we found out she was gone that I would not sleep because sleeping just made the time when that final separation would happen come even more quickly. Three days of tears, gut-wrenching tears with only snatches of sleep in those moments when it just became too overwhelming to handle. All we wanted was to be alone so we could deal with our grief together but it seemed that we had to be there for our family, to comfort them because of our loss. They wouldn't leave us alone for fear of what I don't know. They didn't understand Mike and I needed to be alone to comfort and grieve together.

It was just too soon to let go of that precious little girl. I choose now to consciously remember only the joy we felt when Mike and I discovered we were going to have a baby. There was such happiness in knowing there was a new life developing day by day. We couldn't wait to tell everyone we were expecting and did.

So, here we are on Nora's 4th birthday. I'm in our apartment writing this while Mike is on his way to work. At one time, it really upset me because it seemed like he wasn't grieving the way I thought he should, but I realize now that is something that is his own to do and not for me to judge.

Later this morning, because my mom insists not out of any desire of our own, we will go to Nora's grave and put little decorations to celebrate her birth and for Christmas. To us, Nora is only in our hearts, she isn't underneath that cold granite stone. Nora never knew life, so where her body lies now is not really where she is. To us, a cemetary is for the living because the graves and memorials there are a way to comfort the living about the ones who they knew and loved. With a stillborn child, they never knew the world, so they only lived in the hearts of those closest to them, the parents.

So, yes, today I have cried and mourned the loss of our precious baby. I cry thinking about how she would be today if she had lived and what we would have. Our life and hearts would be filled with joy at having Nora with us alive even for one day. Happy Birthday, Nora, our angel, our joy, our love. We know you are watching out for us and when you are ready to send a brother or sister to us, we will rejoice to have you as an angel watching over them and us.