Always Waiting

It's 12:40 am and here I am working on one of my blogs. It's kind of depressing. I ran out of work after only an hour and am trying to find internet based things to do until some more work magically pops up.

It seems like I'm always waiting. I have been so anxious the last few days because Friday I went in for a progesterone test at the lab to see if the first round of clomid did its job. I'm not sure what to think. I'm almost afraid of getting my hopes up again because it always seems like they get dashed cycle after cycle.

I don't want to give up on having children and won't but the waiting gets to me. It seems like a punishment of some kind. It's cruel because getting pregnant isn't even half the battle with us. The biggest worry comes after we get pregnant because we have to wait until the end of the 1st trimester, if we make it that far, to be sure the baby is healthy. Not only that but just because it's healthy doesn't mean that Mike's chromosome defect hasn't been passed on.

It gets to be very depressing to see all of these women in my life are pregnant, just delivered, or have had children in the 4.5 years we've been trying. It's depressing that it seems like some of them don't even have to try before it happens while I have to take pills, use ovulation tests, track basal body temperature, and go to a specialized doctor.

I am hopeful that this time it worked and really want to have a baby around Mike's birthday and he's so excited that it could happen. The thing is the closer I get to the time to test, the more doubtful I get that the clomid worked and honestly it's a bit heartbreaking every time a cycle passes and we don't conceive. I'd give almost anything to take a test and get a positive that resulted in a healthy baby 9 months from now.

Why does it seem like so many of the women I have befriended on BabyCenter are in the same situation as me? They are some of the most kind-hearted women I've ever met and they, like me, are always waiting. It's not fair that we have to suffer this way when we are only trying to accomplish the only thing women are truly gifted with.

I've always been told that God wouldn't allow me to go through anything that I couldn't handle. I know that God sacrificed Jesus, so He knows what losing a child is like. What I want to know is having experienced and pre-ordained something that would cause not only His son pain but Himself as well, why would He do that to others? Does God not realize how much a loss like that devastates? Why even give us that precious gift if He was going to take it away? Especially when He allows others to have them when they hurt, molest, and kill their own children. How can it be justified that He lets that happen?

How is it fair that there are couples willing to walk through fire to have children but aren't given them while there are women and men who abort, abuse, molest, and even kill the precious gifts they were given?

I guess instead of it being the always the bridesmaid, never the bride it's always the Godmother, never the mother.