There are times when I feel like my emotions have been taken over by someone else. I'm normally a pretty happy, upbeat person. I like to think positive and believe all is good.
A few months ago, for about a month I was feeling very depressed about our angel babies. I just felt like people didn't understand and really still don't understand how that effects a person. I lashed out at people on facebook for not acknowledging that I am a mom without kids or that my babies even existed. My family is especially guilty of this. I will admit, I still am very angry with my family for the way they handled things after Nora died.
I suppose it's easier for people in my family to pretend my babies didn't exist because then they don't have to experience the emotions that Mike and I deal with on a daily basis and will continue to deal with daily for the rest of our lives.
I am feeling depressed now. This is the end of our first cycle of clomid and if it worked we'd be able to find out by the last day of September. Being anxious to know, I did a test and it came out negative. Seeing that negative just made me so sad and flipped that switch in me. I really did have myself convinced that it would happen this month. There's still a possibility that it could be a false negative but I'm almost certain it's not.
I always said I wanted to have kids before I was 30 and that didn't happen. I feel like I just want to get in bed and cry myself to sleep. I feel like this is so hopeless. I almost feel like this was the last shot, and I know it's not, but it feels like it. Logic doesn't enter into the emotional side of wanting to have a baby.
It feels like we've been trying forever. We started trying to have a baby in March 2006, so it's been over 4 years, and despite 2 pregnancies we haven't reached the desired outcome. So, excuse me if I'm a bit bitchy...I believe I have a right to be. So little in life is certain, I just wish that I knew for certain about this one thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment