Friday, December 31, 2010

Ending 2010 Right

Biggg news today...I've talked before about how we've been trying to have a baby since losing Nora and Edge. We took this cycle off from fertility meds because we're changing REs and couldn't get in before mid-cycle. It looks like we may be waiting a bit longer to go in to see the new RE because according to my fertility friend chart, I just ovulated on my own 3 days ago for the first time in over 3 years.

This is, of course, great news for us because we hated having to go to a doctor for help anyways but it means we still did it on our own even after that crackpot RE we were going to. So, pray for us that we caught it this time and that we'll have a very healthy baby that won't inherit the chromosome defect that Mike carries.

On a down note, I did gain 2.4 pounds this week, which I expected but that doesn't dampen my excellent mood because we are officially waiting to test. If I can hold out that long, we will be testing on January 8th, in the evening after waking up. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Everyone have a Happy, Healthy, and Safe New Year with plenty of cheer.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Bad Week

I was hoping to make this week a great week and hit the 20 pound mark at my meeting on Friday. Here it's almost Wednesday and I've had a horrible week. We didn't do enough grocery shopping and I've run out of just about everything that I rely on to eat right this week and we don't have the money to buy groceries until Thursday.

I'm trying to make the best of it but really there's nothing that I want to make or eat in our house because we ran out of all the good stuff. All I really have are veggies that need something to go with them and fruit. I also have meat and chicken but nothing to make with it. I've been relying heavily on chicken and veggies but I'm kind of sick of it. I love the veggies and chicken together but don't have anything to bring them together to really make a meal.

I'm really tempted to just not eat until I weigh in but that won't do anything that drastic or stupid. I don't believe in not eating to lose weight. I'm just thoroughly out of ideas.

Other than that, it hasn't been a bad week. It's just been a bad food week.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas and a Happy, prosperous New Year to all.

My meeting today went very well after a week that was fantabulous. I lost 4.8lbs this week. This is the first week on the program that I've gotten 5 fruits/veggies in per day. It wasn't hard with the exception of the fact we didn't have enough veggies on hand and I still need to run back to the store. I've also come to rely heavily on cottage cheese and chicken. I did realize this week, that this is the way I should be eating. With very few breads and refined carbs and a lot of fresh fruits & veggies and lean proteins. I also got my dance on with my new Just Dance 2 game a few days this week.

I'm hoping to hit the 20 pound mark next week, I am at 16.8lbs down I believe. I am happy with the loss but I'm even happier that I'm getting the hang of this program and finally getting somewhere on my resolve to add more fruits and veggies to my diet.

I've got a few prayers that need to go up. Pray for my aunt whose grandson/my cousin, his girlfriend, and baby are living with her. My cousin headbutted his girlfriend and broke her nose, so he's now in jail with an order of protection for the baby and girlfriend against him. Another cousin (and the brother of the previous cousin) was victim of the flooding in Southern California and is living in a shelter, thankfully, he has a good job so he can support himself but he lost almost everything. Pray for that aunt's second youngest grandson/my cousin as well because he was being a stupid/emotional teenager overdosed because of a girl and is in ICU, he hasn't come out of it yet.

Have a wonderful, safe holiday. Remember it's a time of goodwill and cheer and family (even if you can't stand them and Lord knows there are some I can't stand). Merry Christmas once again.

Monday, December 20, 2010

A Laid Back Month...Maybe

I know I just posted a couple days ago but I felt the need to do another post about how laid back this month has seemed. Maybe it's because Mike has pretty much had a vacation every week this month with the exception of this current one, but he does have a 4 day weekend.

I hate the hustle and bustle people seem to think has to come with the holidays. The holidays aren't about rushing from store to store looking for the best deals. That's one of the things I really do hate about Vegas because these people only have one speed the rest of the year which is frantic. There's no Christmas spirit to these people because they don't get to enjoy it.

That's the one thing I miss back at home. Every time we've gone back there, it seemed like time slowed down to a snail's pace. Christmas was Christmas and you could tell just by driving down the streets. To Vegas Christmas is just another day in the rat race...it's disappointing to someone like me who loves the holidays. The only places you see the magic of Christmas are the places you avoid (the malls) because of all the craziness that accompanies the ever frantic pace.

Let me show you what Christmas is to me (in borrowed/found online photos):
The Tunnel Leading into Our Lady of the Snows Shrine in Belleville, IL
An Entry into the Annual Main Street Gingerbread Walk
The Santa Claus house in downtown Belleville, IL
Sherman Hall @ Western Illinois University in Macomb, IL
Across the street from the Santa Claus house there's a huge Christmas tree lit up on the town square and horse-drawn carriage and trolley rides. The street lights on main street where the Santa Claus house is located are the kind that look like old-fashioned gas lights and the street is lined with storefronts that house the entries in the annual gingerbread building contest known as the Gingerbread Walk. Every neighborhood you drive into has Christmas lights and displays. The main streets through town have lit wreaths, candles, or some other kind of holiday symbols.
The Shrine of Our Lady of the Snows has a light display that they do every year that if you drive through it shows the journey of Mary and Joseph as well as the birth of Jesus and arrival of the 3 wise men. They have a live nativity scene at the visitors center. The shrine also houses the annual Nutcracker ballet performance by one of the local ballet schools as well as the Christmas trees from around the world exhibit.

This is Las Vegas at Christmas:

Blue Christmas Tree @ Caesar's Palace
I'd post more but it's all the same...the only decorations you really see in Vegas are in the malls and in the casinos. That's not Christmas to me. I have never seen an outdoor Santa's house here, they've only been in malls. That's not the kind of traditions I want to raise our future kids with.

Back to the reason behind my post. This month has seemed a lot less stressful, even though we are a bit sleep deprived from 2 weeks of visits from out of town and this week isn't going to get any easier because Mike's grandparents will be in from out of town. I think we're going to need that 4 day weekend to sleep. Maybe it's a good thing we had to take a break from TTC this month.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

One Week Until Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas!!!


This week wasn't so good at my weigh in as the week with my dad, probably because we didn't do much in the way of exercise like we did with my dad here. It wasn't horrible, up 1.4lbs but I was hoping I would have stayed the same...oh, well, I know part of it is because of AF (I'm not going to explain that to those of you who don't know what it is). I am positive that I will lose it this week.
The craziness will continue for the next 2 weeks because my meeting days fall on Saturdays and so do Christmas and New Years Day, so I have to go do my weigh in a day early the next 2 weeks but a positive of that is that I get an 8 day week the week after New Years.
We may have to put off going to the new RE until after the beginning of the year if there's a copay because our money is pretty much spoken for until New Years day. It sucks but I'm going to stay positive about it and look at it as a temporary break if it happens.
I also got Just Dance 2 for Christmas from my parents...so I get to have some fun exercising with it for now. I'm hoping to get the Wii Fit Plus some time next month too. I'm anxious to get my exercise on and keep losing the pounds. I'm looking at it as the healthier I eat and the more I exercise = baby sooner than with depending on just the clomid alone.

There's something else exciting too...I've posted in the past about dreams that I've had and things just working out the right way for us when money has been tight. A couple weeks ago I was praying, something I've started doing much more of in the last few months, and I always pray for the same thing. Well, you know how it seems repetitive at times and you sometimes doubt that God can hear you? Well, this time I was praying and more or less having a conversation in my head. Usually, I don't get any answers but I do anyways. That day it was like as soon as I thought something the answer popped into my head, like I was being answered. I was wondering my prayers if we were ever going to have a healthy child and I heard "Yes." Before I could even ask when I got the date of December 13, 2011...now that's a bit creepy to me but it excites me all the same.
I know I shouldn't look at the next 2 months as free months but in a way that's what I'm doing because that would mean I'd have to conceive around March 20th. I want to take full advantage of those 2 months and get as healthy as possible before I have to be concerned about nourishing a growing baby for 9 months. It also doesn't mean I'm not going to try for it sooner than 3 months away, it just means that I have hope. Maybe God is letting me know. We, honestly, will be happy with one healthy, living child if that's all we are able to have, but we would like more. When I posed that question in my mind I heard 3. Now, I don't know if that includes Nora and Edge along with another or 3 healthy living children. Regardless if we end up with 3 we will be happy and if we end up with 1 we will just save up to adopt.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Happy Birthday Nora

I'll admit that today will be a sad day for Mike and me. Four years ago today, our angelbaby was born still and grew her angel wings. Usually the anniversary of her birth and official day of her death, with the exception of the first, I have been stoic and refuse to think about all of the unhappiness this day brought.

It brings such pain to remember how from the day of our first anniversary when we found out she was gone that I would not sleep because sleeping just made the time when that final separation would happen come even more quickly. Three days of tears, gut-wrenching tears with only snatches of sleep in those moments when it just became too overwhelming to handle. All we wanted was to be alone so we could deal with our grief together but it seemed that we had to be there for our family, to comfort them because of our loss. They wouldn't leave us alone for fear of what I don't know. They didn't understand Mike and I needed to be alone to comfort and grieve together.

It was just too soon to let go of that precious little girl. I choose now to consciously remember only the joy we felt when Mike and I discovered we were going to have a baby. There was such happiness in knowing there was a new life developing day by day. We couldn't wait to tell everyone we were expecting and did.

So, here we are on Nora's 4th birthday. I'm in our apartment writing this while Mike is on his way to work. At one time, it really upset me because it seemed like he wasn't grieving the way I thought he should, but I realize now that is something that is his own to do and not for me to judge.

Later this morning, because my mom insists not out of any desire of our own, we will go to Nora's grave and put little decorations to celebrate her birth and for Christmas. To us, Nora is only in our hearts, she isn't underneath that cold granite stone. Nora never knew life, so where her body lies now is not really where she is. To us, a cemetary is for the living because the graves and memorials there are a way to comfort the living about the ones who they knew and loved. With a stillborn child, they never knew the world, so they only lived in the hearts of those closest to them, the parents.

So, yes, today I have cried and mourned the loss of our precious baby. I cry thinking about how she would be today if she had lived and what we would have. Our life and hearts would be filled with joy at having Nora with us alive even for one day. Happy Birthday, Nora, our angel, our joy, our love. We know you are watching out for us and when you are ready to send a brother or sister to us, we will rejoice to have you as an angel watching over them and us.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Long, Full Week

Had a great meeting today. It's the first week since starting the new program with WW and I'm down 3.2lbs and 13.4lbs total. I'm happy with that but a bit disappointed as well because it's been 9 weeks and I feel like I should have lost more. I just have to start exercising and choosing healthier options. I am hoping to get my Wii Fit Plus soon, maybe the 1st payday of the new year and I'm hoping to get Just Dance 2 for Christmas.

I have been baking a lot with a homemade baking mix with about 1 cup of fiber one and 1/3 cup of steel cut oatmeal. It's filling and high in fiber. My next attempts with it are going to be biscuits. I already made chocolate chip cookies and apple brown betty with it. After the biscuits, I'm going for pancakes. I'm also going to try to make snickerdoodles. I'm going to make fudge for Christmas at Mike's parents house though apparently his mom has started making it from the same recipe I used when I made it last year...maybe I should try divinity instead but my grandma tells me it's hard to make.

So, Sunday (12/12) is our 5th anniversary. Not sure if we are doing anything...probably not since we just spent our movie money at the grocery store and Mike has to work later that night. It's never really been a big deal for us, except the day we got married and our first anniversary which was the day we found out Nora had died. We are happy being together and we don't need a single day out of the year to remind us of that or celebrate it.

My mom flies in on Monday and will be here until Friday. It's really a pain in the butt to have my parents do separate visits because it disrupts two weeks of work and sleep. I'm glad to see them and have them here but it takes a lot of work to make sure we spend as much time with them as we can without trying to take away time from my sister and her husband; and without staying up way past our bedtime. The other pain is trying to make sure I eat as healthy as possible if we are going out to eat...I'm going to try to cook at home as often as possible so that way we can avoid going out to eat. I have the feeling we'll do with my mom what we did with my dad. Since my sister and her husband work during the day, we'll have my mom pick up Mike from work and stay here until about 1pm or so, then we go to bed and she heads out for a few hours on her own until my sister gets off work.

Then Mike is off for another 4 day weekend this coming week and he's going to want to do stuff too. We still have Christmas shopping to finish up for each other as well as a few more family members on each side.

On to Mike, he had to go in for a biometric screening before doing bloodwork and a physical to make sure the price of our insurance won't go up. Of course, the day they reminded him of it was the 2nd to last day he could do it, so he had to go to Bally's on Thursday afternoon to get it done. He is healthy in every way except for his slight heart murmur and he is pre-hypertensive.

Without the bloodwork we aren't sure whether this is a result of his bad diet, even though they measured his good cholesterol and it was ok, or if it's a result of his chromosome defect. The defect could predispose him to hypertension...guess we'll find out when he goes in to see the nurse on Monday morning. Oh, yeah, he has to leave work more than 2 hours early to go to this appointment 4 casinos down on the strip because that's the only time he could get in before the deadline of the 20th.

I could really use a glass of wine right now just thinking about the busy-ness of this next week. Oh, and this month we aren't going the clomid route because we are in the process of changing REs since the last one was a total ass. Maybe with the less stressful/hormonal cycle we will get lucky...stranger things have happened.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Overhaul (in More Ways Than One)

Okay, so I began drinking my grapefruit juice today even though I couldn't find 100% natural, I guess the cocktail will have to do for now until I can get to Sunflower Market to get the natural stuff. It wasn't as bad as I feared it would be, similar to the tartness of cranberry juice. Mike is drinking 1 cup per day along with me because I also read that grapefruit juice has DNA restoring properties, so anything that can help with his chromosome issue is worth trying.

I knew going to my WW meeting today that it was going to be a day full of changes because they were rolling out a brand new program. I just wasn't expecting the program to be so different that everything from the old one is obsolete even the points calculators. They calculate points differently and calorie count doesn't come into it. It seems they are trying to encourage more healthy eating and carbohydrate (especially refined carb)reduction, which works perfectly with my plan to go lower carb anyways. My daily points increased by almost 10 and they increased the optional extra weekly points to 49 but they also increased the points on foods too so it really balances. My leader said that even though he wasn't trying, the leadership team has been on this program for 3 months and he's lost 15 pounds just from the change.

I can tell you that I attacked my food in a different way today. I weighed and measured (which I usually do) but my new points calculator was essential. I would have been lost without it. It was also really hard to finish my points today but I figure with some planning and ingenuity, I'll be able to easily adjust to the new program and be more successful at it than the previous one.

A bonus is that after 3 weeks of struggling with my sugar addiction yoyoing me with my weight I lost 4 pounds this week and hit my 10 pound mark finally. I was so excited but with all of the talk about the new program didn't get a chance to get my 10 pound ribbon, so I guess that'll be next week. I'm hoping to also get my 5% ribbon next week too. I just feel like this is going to be a good week. The only downside to this new program is that the daily points are more individualized so every week you have to recalculate them to see if you've lost a point or if your value stayed the same, unlike the old problem where if you dropped a middle digit you lost a point.

Here's hoping for a great week and that it doesn't go too badly food-wise with my dad being here. Then, after I find out how this week went I've got to gear up for my mom's visit starting next Monday. Heading to the Las Vegas Rock N Roll marathon in the morning to root for my dad since he's running in the half marathon.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

RIP -Two Losses in a Week

So, last week was a sad week even if I didn't say anything on here. The world lost two wonderful souls this week and they will be forever missed. The first I had in my life for more than 15 years and he was much loved, our family dog then my mom and dad's dog Bubba. The second was a wife and mother of three who succumbed to stage IV breast cancer after more than a year of fighting.

Bubba sleeping next to his cat buddy, Medaja.


Bubba was adopted by our family the summer before I turned 15. He was a puppy then but in horrible shape. Bubba was so small and malnourished that he could stand up on all four in the palm of my sister's hand. He was covered in fleas and my mom had to give him about 3 flea baths before they were finally gone. Then he almost died from illness before my dad saved him. He had a stomach bug and refused to eat anything and the vet told us the only way he had a chance was if we made him eat. My dad stayed up with him all night forcing him to eat rice and boiled hamburger. After that he was a normal puppy and a much loved part of our family. He went on family trips with us and camping with us. Initially he was my dog and even slept with me most nights, then when I went up to college he became my mom's dog (you know how dog's are a family's but become more attached to one person in the family). He had a good long life with the Robinson family and he was the only dog that we ever kept after getting. He went to doggy heaven two days before Thanksgiving.

I met my friend Melinda while I was working at the player's club booth at the Flamingo. Shortly after I began working there she changed positions in the department to become the department coordinator. I started working in close quarters with her when I was first pregnant with Nora. We'd talk and everything while she was working and I was doing mountains of departmental paperwork. Eventually she decided she wanted to move up the management ladder and took a job as an assistant slot floor manager. I'd see her and her husband occasionally after that. When we lost Nora, Melinda was the one that gave me the address to a website for parents of children with heart defects and she knew what we were going through because one of her children was born with a heart defect.

Melinda was always a fun-loving and mostly happy spirit. She could always bring humor to any situation. She did a lateral transfer to another property shortly before I was let go from the Flamingo and was diagnosed with breast cancer. Melinda fought the cancer and was given a clean bill of health. A year later her doctors discovered she wasn't in remission like they thought and she'd progressed to stage IV. It had spread to other parts of her body and the outlook was grim. But Melinda was never one to let something like that keep her from fighting. She had to have a gamma knife procedure done as well as 15 once weekly treatments of chemo and radiation. She appeared strong and in good spirits when she finished the last round of chemo and radiation the beginning of October this year. Slowly, though, she lost her strength and eventually ended up in hospice. She fought for as long as she could to stay with her three kids and husband of 18 years and made it days longer than anyone had hoped for. Melinda grew her angel wings on the day before Thanksgiving. She will be forever missed by everyone who knew her.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Plan of Attack

So, for the last 2 weeks I've been saying that I know the extra refined sugar/carbohydrates in my diet are what is causing my weight gain and yoyoing at weigh ins but haven't done anything to change it. I've been looking at what I did my first week, food-wise, and came to a conclusion. The one thing I did that week that I haven't done since is really restrict my refined sugar/carb intake.

If I'm going to take this serious and get healthy then I have to eat defensively. Sounds kind of funny, huh? Defensive eating sounds like I'm fighting with my food. What I'm looking at it as is defensive eating is a way to eat so I can defend my body against the insulin resistance and diabetes and a host of other obesity related diseases. I'm not looking at this as a way to lose a ton of weight quickly, I'm looking at it as a way to take back control of my body and my fertility.

My basic plan of attack is that I am cutting out bread entirely, with the exception of very very special occasions, whole grain pasta, corn and brown rice are limited to once a week if that. I'm adding at least 2 servings of fruit and 3 servings of veggies (and mostly green veggies because they are anti-estrogens) per day. At least half my daily points are going to go towards lean protein sources, which is plenty of protein per day. I already take a multi-vitamin (with probiotics, digestive enzymes, and green food supplements added as an extra), folic acid, fish oil, and iron so I'm hoping these will help me out.

I am also cutting out all drinkable calories with the exception of grapefruit juice and decaffeinated hot tea (with 1 tablespoon of honey). I drink mostly water, so I'm not really worried about implementing this change though I wasn't strict on it before. I am allowing 1 cup of grapefruit juice per day because it is a natural cholesterol lowering product and also is a natural anti-estrogen. I can also get 1 serving of fruit in per day with just 8oz of 100% no sugar added grapefruit juice.

I did research on natural anti-estrogens after learning that clomid is an anti-estrogen. The main reason I was researching it is because I can't get in to see a new RE before I'll need to start a new round of clomid, so December is going to be a clomid free month, which is probably good for Mike because he's already going to be dealing with me going through sugar withdrawals so the extra hormones the clomid adds in would probably make him run for the hills. One of the best anti-estrogens that I came across is DIM, which I plan to get at the store this weekend, and 100% no sugar added grapefruit juice. They aren't as strong as clomid but I figure anything that gives my a boos in the fight against insulin resistance and are natural supplements then they can't hurt. I'm also adding a cinnamon supplement in for good measure.

I'm hoping this works and I can keep it up indefinitely. I just have to remember what the goal is and not let anything else interfere with it. Just have to remember to be strict with myself and not let myself slip with this plan while my parents are in town the next couple weeks.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Post-Thanksgiving

It's been colder than usual for this time of year in Vegas...it makes me feel like I'm at home. I had a nice walk this morning to my meeting and afterward to the bus. The funny thing is that everyone is complaining about how cold it is and how unusual it is for this time of year to be this cold. You'd think after 6 months of high desert heat people would be open to a change in the weather that means Christmas is in the air.

I did great Thanksgiving day, with the exception of having 3 brown dinner rolls, which was 2 over my set limit. I was a bit disappointed in dinner though because instead of the usual salad, which I'd planned to fill up on, the only veggies available were two I wouldn't touch if my life depended on it: green beans and collard greens. I have nothing against fresh collard greens but cooked they are as nasty as canned spinach (I love fresh spinach though). I even tried making them myself and Mike loved them but I couldn't even finish one bite. Plain and simple green beans and greens are just NASTY!

The rest of my week was however a sugar fest, which is why I gained 2.4lbs this week. I am disappointed in myself that I can't seem to say no to the sugar. I know I need to because of my insulin resistance but it's not easy to give up an addiction to it and sugar addiction is one of the most common and unrealized addictions in America. I am planning a new attack, I am going to make sure I get as many fruits and veggies in as possible each day in the hopes that I won't feel the need to feed the sugar addiction because I'm full. If I don't quite manage that, I'm going to go to sugar free alternatives, like sugar free fat free pudding, fruit, unsweetened apple sauce,etc.

I realize that I've been half-heartedly doing the WW thing in hopes that I can lose enough to get pregnant then quit and go back after I'd have the baby and get serious about it. I can't continue doing it if I'm not going to give it my all, and so I've decided while we still want to have a baby, I need to make sure that my efforts to get healthy are more important. How can I be a good mother when I don't care enough about myself to be healthy? I'm not saying we are going to stop trying to have a baby or even put it on hold, we are just going to focus on the getting healthy part and let the baby part happen when it happens.

I am, however, done for good with that crackpot reproductive endocrinologist we were going to. I'm hoping to get in to see another one this week but with the holidays a lot of them are fully scheduled...not sure why that is but maybe it's fate's way of telling us that we need to relax for the month and enjoy the holidays.

There is another plus to December, Mike found out that he has 48 hours of vacation that he has to use that they didn't include on his check stubs (they list vacation hours available and how many are left). At first we were kind of panicked because he has to use them by the end of the year but we decided to ask for pretty much 4 days weekends every week of December except the last week since he New Year's eve is mandatory even if it's his scheduled day off. So hopefully Mike will have those 4 day weekends if it works out right.

It's time to roll out those Christmas movies and decorations...I'm ready, or almost, are you?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Day Before Turkey Day

It's one day before Thanksgiving and I'm trying to figure out what to take to my in-law's house for dinner. Traditionally, at my family's Thanksgiving we'd have the following:

  • Turkey (usually about 14lbs) & a Ham
  • Mashed potatoes
  • Homemade Sausage & Sourdough Stuffing
  • Gibblet gravy
  • Orange jello with shredded pineapple & carrots
  • Salad (iceburg lettuce, carrots, raddicio lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers and choice of dressing)
  • Sweet corn
  • Oven-browned dinner rolls
  • 2-3 of each Pumpkin pie and Lemon Meringue pie
My problem is that Mike's family's Thanksgiving they have a totally different spread. His parents are always saying that they spend so much money on the Thanksgiving dinner and no one is willing to contribute. I always ask every time we go to his parent's house for dinner if they want us to bring anything and they always say the same thing: soda. Two years in a row, Mike and I contributed the turkey because we each got a free one from where we worked. I have no idea if anyone will even eat what I bring especially if they've never had it before. This is what his family makes:
  • Turkey (not sure what size) & a Pork Rib roast
  • Salad
  • Baked mac & cheese
  • Cranberries
  • Stuffing (usually burnt on top and edges)
  • Mashed Potatoes
  • Sweet Potatoes (not traditional made but with Jack Daniels)
  • Pumpkin Cheesecake 
  • Pumpkin Pie
  • Peach Cobbler (made by his older sister)
  • Apple Pie
There's not much to work with there. I told Mike I honestly wish his parents would just divide it up amongst them, us, and his oldest sister and say who is bringing what then trade off each year on who buys the turkey. It would be a lot less hassle and a lot less guess work.
This is one of the reasons I dread the holidays at times.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

It's the Weekend Before Thanksgiving

Okay, I went to my meeting and lost 1.4 of the 1.8 pounds that I gained last week. Last week was a very stressful week, and though I did good with my points on the program, I did eat a lot of things that were high in sodium. I also got a lot more active last week than usual. I'm not making excuses for gaining weight last week, but I do know what I did that made the gain happen.

I'm not telling a lot of people that I'm doing WW again because I don't want to have to deal with being hassled by certain family members because of my healthy choices. I'm just doing it, watching my portion sizes, and adding everything up in my head as I go. If any of them happen to read it on here, then that's fine but I won't stand for the insulting comments about the way Mike and I choose to eat. I don't believe Thanksgiving will be a problem because I can serve myself and Mike's family doesn't really say much about how much or how little any of us eat.

As far as the trying to conceive thing goes, we don't have anything to report. Anything to report means as of when I wrote this we are not pregnant. I will say this, other than to my wonderful friends on Baby Center, I will only be posting the big news on this blog when we do finally conceive, so it benefits you to check this blog once in awhile. Before you ask, the main reason for the discretion regarding when we do find out we are expecting is because of the whole chromosomal issue and we have to wait until we are 12 weeks before we find out if that child will be healthy enough to make it to term.

So have a happy and healthy Thanksgiving and remember, the turkey is supposed to be stuffed, not you. :o)

Friday, November 12, 2010

Utter Frustration

I am so utterly frustrated with this whole trying to conceive process. I know that there's only a 20% chance each month that it will happen and that really isn't what is so frustrating. What is frustrating me is that since that last horrible appointment with the RE I have been tracking my basal body temperature like he requested.

Since I have been doing that I keep watching my chart everyday hoping to see the tell tale signs that the clomid did its job this month. One of the ladies in an online group I belong to gave me a suggestion today and after I followed it my chart shows ovulation. I just don't know if it's accurate and that's more than frustrating.

I will know for sure after I go in for my P4 bloodwork on Sunday but that doesn't do anything for me now. My RE is also a jerk because even though he has the results on if the clomid worked this time or not, he won't have his nurse call and tell me if I need to come in, he just expects me to make an appointment 11 days afterwards. I'm sorry but any RE worth his salt will have his nurse call and tell the patient whether the results showed ovulation or not and if they don't get a positive pregnancy test they need to come in on cycle day 35.

Why is it we must fight our bodies for what we really want?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A Bit of News

Okay, after my last visit with the RE I was really pissed off. I mean extremely pissed to have an obese male doctor telling me that I really didn't want to have a baby because I didn't lose any weight between my first appointment in July and that second appointment at the beginning of October. He did up my dose of clomid to 100 mgs and basically warned me that if he has to go up to 150 mgs he won't do it for more than one cycle. I mean how dare that man say I don't want children. If I didn't want children, I wouldn't be willing to try to get pregnant again considering there's a 50/50 chance we could lose another baby. It's a risk I'm willing to accept to get what I want. A doctor has no right to tell a woman that she doesn't want children when she's had a miscarriage and had to bury one child.

So after talking it over with Mike, we decided that despite my resolve to teach myself healthy eating habits, I wasn't holding myself accountable for what I was eating. Mike had been encouraging me to join Weight Watchers again, even after I swore 3 years ago that I wouldn't go back because my leader was not only not motivating but accused me of cheating/not journaling all of my food choices because I was yo-yoing every week. But I did it.

I decided the best thing to do was go to the Saturday 7am meeting time that we originally did when I started WW 7 years ago with my mom, my sister-in-law, and my grandma. I have very good memories of going to WW then but this time, I'm doing it for myself not because everyone else wanted me to go with them. My leader, I won't name any names, is kind of goofy. I'm also not going to say what my starting weight was.

Anyhow, the first week was hard because I was having trouble finishing all of my points. I really stuck with it and journaled everything, and we even had breakfast out twice. I weighed in the first week and lost 5.4 pounds. The second week, was even harder because I dropped a point, so I had to readjust everything. It wasn't so much that it was hard to adjust, it was more that it was the week after Halloween and I wanted to have sweets and mixing them in with balanced meals was difficult. I weighed in this past Saturday and lost another 2.6 pounds. So, after two weeks I am 1 pound from getting my 10 pound ribbon, which I am planning to get at my next weigh-in.

I have been getting quite a bit more active too. I've been playing tennis on the wii for at least a half hour and another hour minimum of bowling, golf, and archery. I walked about 2 miles from the bus stop off my first bus to my meeting instead of waiting for the bus, which didn't even come by the entire time I was walking. This morning I took a 40 minute walk from our apartment down to CVS which is about a mile and a half away.

I am excited about the weight loss but at the same time, I'm really going for the accountability factor more than anything else. This way I can continue teaching myself to choose healthier options and have something to keep me on the straight and narrow. I will say this, when we have gone to fast food restaurants I have been choosing healthier options and if I get a drink with my food, I get water instead of soda or soft drinks. I have been drinking a lot of water, but I figure the more water I drink the easier it is not to have those high point snacks.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

October was a Bust

Well, the September round of clomid was a bust, so no baby due around Mike's birthday and therefore, October was pretty much a bust because how long it took to find out and start another round of provera.

We are now on our 2nd round of clomid and hoping for a late July/early August baby. This may be our last round for a little while so I can take time to get healthy. I'm not saying we are going to stop trying the old-fashioned (aka no drug induced ovulation) way but we are both dissatisfied with our RE after our last appointment.

There is a chance we might go for a 3rd round of clomid before giving up if this one doesn't take but neither of us are sure we want to deal with the RE follow up before we start that round. I don't understand why we even have to go in to see the doctor when he already knows whether that round worked or not based on my progesterone labs.

I will say this, if this round does work and we get pregnant, I will not be going to him to get a confirmation. I'll just go to our medical center to get a confirmation, if that's even necessary. I will make an appointment with our perinatal specialist, Dr. Adashek, for an 8 week and 12 week ultrasound. Honestly, after we get pregnant I will be happy to never see this RE again.

So, here's hoping to a November positive but other than on here, which I'm sure nobody actually looks at, we won't be making any announcements until we know at the 12 week ultrasound if the baby is healthy.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Doubtful

It's hard to believe but it's been over 4 1/2 years since we started trying to have a baby. It doesn't seem like it's been that long some days and other days it seems like it's been decades.

We had some reason to hope this month with the clomid but now we have no clue as to what's happening this cycle. We go back to the doctor later this morning to see exactly what he thinks, and maybe we'll have to start fresh or maybe we'll be surprised. I have the feeling we're going on to round 2 of clomid but I'd really like it to be the surprised.

There are days when I just feel so tired and depressed by this whole thing. There are never days that I want to give up. Yes, there are days when I think we should just not pin our hopes on having children of our own and start trying to adopt. One of the hardest things in life, aside from losing our babies, is the fight to forge on and keep trying month after month, year after year.

We know it's what we want but that doesn't make the waiting any easier. I swear when I do get pregnant with a healthy baby one of 2 things is going to happen: 1. We don't tell anyone because we want to enjoy finally having done it; or 2. We only tell immediate family and don't tell them any of our birth plans at all. I just know one thing, I'll be glad to stop obsessing over this once we get pregnant with a healthy baby. We'll be happy with just one natural child if that's all we get but we do want more than that.

But first, I want to know what's going on this cycle.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A Bit Depressed

There are times when I feel like my emotions have been taken over by someone else. I'm normally a pretty happy, upbeat person. I like to think positive and believe all is good.

A few months ago, for about a month I was feeling very depressed about our angel babies. I just felt like people didn't understand and really still don't understand how that effects a person. I lashed out at people on facebook for not acknowledging that I am a mom without kids or that my babies even existed. My family is especially guilty of this. I will admit, I still am very angry with my family for the way they handled things after Nora died.

I suppose it's easier for people in my family to pretend my babies didn't exist because then they don't have to experience the emotions that Mike and I deal with on a daily basis and will continue to deal with daily for the rest of our lives.

I am feeling depressed now. This is the end of our first cycle of clomid and if it worked we'd be able to find out by the last day of September. Being anxious to know, I did a test and it came out negative. Seeing that negative just made me so sad and flipped that switch in me. I really did have myself convinced that it would happen this month. There's still a possibility that it could be a false negative but I'm almost certain it's not.

I always said I wanted to have kids before I was 30 and that didn't happen. I feel like I just want to get in bed and cry myself to sleep. I feel like this is so hopeless. I almost feel like this was the last shot, and I know it's not, but it feels like it. Logic doesn't enter into the emotional side of wanting to have a baby.

It feels like we've been trying forever. We started trying to have a baby in March 2006, so it's been over 4 years, and despite 2 pregnancies we haven't reached the desired outcome. So, excuse me if I'm a bit bitchy...I believe I have a right to be. So little in life is certain, I just wish that I knew for certain about this one thing.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

What Ifs

I'm sure everyone has had one of those what if moments. I don't have many of them, thankfully. There's not much in my life that I do regret or am doubtful enough of to wonder what might have been. There's always been one thing and it hasn't really been an issue for a very long time but it came up recently.

About a week or so ago I had a dream that I was about 14 again and on an annual camping trip with my mom, sister, brother, and a bunch of people in our old church youth group. This isn't a random event, we used to do it annually every year from the time I was about 13 until I was 18. I'm not really sure what brought it up in my mind, maybe because a lot of friends and family members have been going camping in recent months and while Mike and I really enjoy camping we can't go since we are sans vehicle.

Well, back to my point, when I was 14 I had a huge crush on a guy in the youth group and, to me it seemed, there was a lot of chemistry between us. Well, he popped up in this dream. Like I said, in the dream I was about 14 again and the same thing happened in the dream that happened in real life...nothing.

It really shocked me that he was in this dream because even when I had that huge crush on him, I never dreamed about him. It also made me feel really guilty because in the dream all of those old feelings were there even though I don't have them now. I woke up feeling guilty that he'd even been in my dream.

Honestly, I hadn't even thought about this guy until I found his younger brother on facebook and he added me as a friend. I wasn't even sure I wanted to add my former crush as a friend on facebook for just this reason. I didn't want to add him as a friend and start thinking about the what ifs. After this though, I had to really come to terms with it.

Part of that was talking to Mike about it. That's the thing about Mike, I can talk to him about that kind of stuff and he just listens to me. So, I told him I was feeling guilty about having the dream and he asked why. I then told him about things that had happened that I interpreted as chemistry between myself and my former crush. I told him about things that happened on the camping trips, not just with me but everyone that went on them.

I finally told him it's because in the dream I reverted back to a time when I had very strong feelings for someone else and it made me feel like I'd been unfaithful. He told me that I couldn't control what I dream about, so it wasn't as if I'd actually been unfaithful.

I told him another part of it is because part of me does wonder what if. I wouldn't trade what I have with him for anything in the world, but part of me would like to at least have closure on that part of my life. In reality, there wasn't really any closure because my crush moved away to go to school and stayed gone (I haven't seen or talked to him in about 10 years). Once I graduated from high school I went away to school, came back, and then moved away too.

Now that I've had this discussion with Mike, I do feel better. I do feel like I had to tell Mike about all of it before it was truly a non-issue, not that it ever was a real issue between us. I think I had to talk about it because I never really talked about it to anyone. Sure people knew how I felt, but I never really talked in detail about my perceptions of what happened back then. I was deeply embarrassed by my feelings and mortified that anyone would find out or guess those feelings.

I also admitted to Mike that I do wish that I had at least kissed my crush back then because it would have been a form of closure. We talked for a bit then about how there's always the one that got away for a person that nothing happened with and you wish something had just so you can stop wondering.

I'm glad that he and I have the kind of relationship that we can be honest and open about those kinds of things without jealousy entering into it on either side. I think that's what they meant when they say Love is never jealous. If you really truly love someone then jealousy really isn't necessary because you trust so completely in that other person's love. That said, that doesn't mean either of us will put up with someone else trying to take what's ours. Neither of us are willing to share and won't put up with flirtations.

It's one of those things where we trust each other but don't trust others to be so honorable. I'm relieved that feeling of what if has left me since I talked to Mike about this because there is too much between us for me to start wondering about the past.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Always Waiting

It's 12:40 am and here I am working on one of my blogs. It's kind of depressing. I ran out of work after only an hour and am trying to find internet based things to do until some more work magically pops up.

It seems like I'm always waiting. I have been so anxious the last few days because Friday I went in for a progesterone test at the lab to see if the first round of clomid did its job. I'm not sure what to think. I'm almost afraid of getting my hopes up again because it always seems like they get dashed cycle after cycle.

I don't want to give up on having children and won't but the waiting gets to me. It seems like a punishment of some kind. It's cruel because getting pregnant isn't even half the battle with us. The biggest worry comes after we get pregnant because we have to wait until the end of the 1st trimester, if we make it that far, to be sure the baby is healthy. Not only that but just because it's healthy doesn't mean that Mike's chromosome defect hasn't been passed on.

It gets to be very depressing to see all of these women in my life are pregnant, just delivered, or have had children in the 4.5 years we've been trying. It's depressing that it seems like some of them don't even have to try before it happens while I have to take pills, use ovulation tests, track basal body temperature, and go to a specialized doctor.

I am hopeful that this time it worked and really want to have a baby around Mike's birthday and he's so excited that it could happen. The thing is the closer I get to the time to test, the more doubtful I get that the clomid worked and honestly it's a bit heartbreaking every time a cycle passes and we don't conceive. I'd give almost anything to take a test and get a positive that resulted in a healthy baby 9 months from now.

Why does it seem like so many of the women I have befriended on BabyCenter are in the same situation as me? They are some of the most kind-hearted women I've ever met and they, like me, are always waiting. It's not fair that we have to suffer this way when we are only trying to accomplish the only thing women are truly gifted with.

I've always been told that God wouldn't allow me to go through anything that I couldn't handle. I know that God sacrificed Jesus, so He knows what losing a child is like. What I want to know is having experienced and pre-ordained something that would cause not only His son pain but Himself as well, why would He do that to others? Does God not realize how much a loss like that devastates? Why even give us that precious gift if He was going to take it away? Especially when He allows others to have them when they hurt, molest, and kill their own children. How can it be justified that He lets that happen?

How is it fair that there are couples willing to walk through fire to have children but aren't given them while there are women and men who abort, abuse, molest, and even kill the precious gifts they were given?

I guess instead of it being the always the bridesmaid, never the bride it's always the Godmother, never the mother.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Writing

Okay, so here it is. I've always wanted to be a published author. Not jut my freelance journalism work but novels. I started writing stories when I was in 2nd grade and have always dreamed about getting published. In college, I wrote fan fiction for Days of Our Lives but I became so consumed with writing it that I lived, ate, and breathed for my fan fiction and the compliments I got on it. Every once in awhile, I still get emails requesting permission to add them to people's websites.

The problem with this dream is until now, I haven't been able to finish the stories I've begun. Sure, I finished the fan fiction stories but that was so much easier because they were about established characters. I didn't have to describe looks and details about their lives like I would in a novel.

I can always come up with an idea to start a story but it loses steam after I finish outlining the plot. It's thinking about all of the details and the dialogue that always burns me out. I started thinking that maybe those two things need to be separated out for me to finish a story. Maybe I need to actually write the story without the dialogue and get the details and descriptions down. Once I finish that, I can go back and add dialogue in and make it much smoother than it would be if I had to sit there and think about all of it at once.

So a couple months ago I was inspired to begin writing a story about a girl kidnapped into the sex trade while she's on spring break. It's different than other stories I've written because most of the other stories I've tried to write were romances and this isn't. I'm a big reader of romance novels and have evolved my tastes, but maybe that's not the kind of novels I'm meant to write. There are authors that really inspire the artist in me.

I finally can visualize in my head the ending of the story. So, I hope that I can soon finish my first novel. The next step is even harder, getting it published but I'm willing to go through it.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Paranoia?

I have always been one of those people that cannot watch horror movies. I am extremely liable to bouts of paranoia after watching those movies or even seeing movie previews. I will have nightmares when I do finally fall asleep after laying awake for hours with the childish fear that if I close my eyes, the bad guys will get me. It drives Mike nuts because if I see a scary movie, show, or movie trailer before we go to bed I will want to sleep with the light and radio on.

Honestly, I really cannot say I'm paranoid because I've had experiences in my life that could be termed supernatural or paranormal. I think that the paranoia comes from these experiences that I've had and not wanting to experience them again. You know what I mean, those experiences that you feel like someone is watching you, you feel the hair raise up on the back of your neck, when you see something out of the corner of your eye that isn't really there, or those close calls that make you realize that it wasn't your time.

The first experience I can remember was when I was about four and at my grandma's house. I was playing outside on the swing set with my sister and brother, as I came down the slide I was looking towards a pile of rock on the side of the house when I saw a man in running shorts and a t-shirt run past. I asked my sister and brother if they saw him but neither of them did and he couldn't have disappeared from view that easily since he was running towards the vegetable garden.

After my grandpa died, I couldn't sleep when I stayed at my grandma's house because whenever I did, I'd always see him. It would always be the same vision, I'd be coming around the corner from the dining room and into the kitchen. I'd see my grandpa sitting in his spot at the table, then he'd turn around and his eyes would be unnaturally wide open as if he was telling me he was watching me.

Years later I began having dreams about him coming back from the dead. We'd always be catching him up on things that happened and he'd always have an answer about something I was struggling with emotionally. The first time was something about my oldest Godson and his mom, my cousin. The second time was after my college graduation and I was mad at my aunt because I felt like she'd ruined my post-graduation night celebration with my family. The last was right after I moved to Vegas and I was questioning why I moved here; he told me because he wanted me to. I also had a dream similar to these about my sister-in-law's mom, who had passed away right before we moved to Vegas.

When I was a teenager and working nights after school, my sister and I worked at the same place and we'd alternate who was driving. I would see people walking out in front of my car who weren't there and it would freak my sister out. The funny thing is that my mom and sister swear that one of the houses we lived in was haunted and I never had any problems while there.

I did have one experience that was psychically traumatic to me as a teenager. My best friend, at the time, and I were in her basement family room with her date the afternoon before junior prom and we decided to get out her mom's very old ouija board. We knew you weren't supposed to ask personal questions, but we did anyway, and every question about my friend was answered directly but every question about me was replied with a cryptic "It's a secret." While we were sitting with it there between us, my fingernails turned sky blue and my fingers were icy cold. The very last question we asked was who we were going to marry. It said she was going to marry someone named Andy and I was going to marry someone named Mike. We kind of laughed it off figuring the names had gotten mixed up because her date's name was Mike and my crush's name was Andy, twelve years later she's married to a guy who we called Andy back in high school, and I'm married to my husband, Mike.

After that we'd gotten up from where we were sitting on the floor and put the ouija board across the room on the ottoman by the stairs. My best friend was getting ready to go to her hair appointment, so I hung around until she was ready to leave. She asked me to go back downstairs and put it away, so I waited until she turned out of the driveway and left. I just felt like there was something evil there. A few days later, my best friend called me and asked if I had put it away even though she never noticed it out while she'd been down there since. I asked why and she told me her and her brother had gone down there to watch a movie and it was sitting in the middle of the floor where we'd played it, not where we'd left it. I was never able to visit her house after that without getting the creeps.


I've never told anyone, including my husband, but a couple weeks before we found out our daughter died, I had a dream that she was dead and woke up crying that she was gone. My mom knew though without me telling her because she had a dream about my oldest sister being with my mom's mom in heave before she died after birth.

I told Mike that I think one of the reasons I react so strongly to shows and movies about these bad things is because I feel like by watching them, you give those things a power over you that wouldn't be there if you hadn't watched them. You allow them into your aura by acknowledging the possibility that they exist. It's basically, if you don't acknowledge the danger, it can't hurt you.

Every time I've watched movies or shows that do that, I can't sleep for the paranoia and I get jumpy. Watching the old Unsolved Mysteries or the show Haunted would make the hair stand up on end all over my body. So, is it paranoia or is it acknowledging that through other experiences, that I know those things can and do hurt people? I don't know but you won't catch me watching A Haunting at my apartment.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The New Life

We had to make some hard decisions in the last year. We gave up our car. We hated that POS with a passion, and it was forever causing us trouble, so we had it voluntarily repo'd. We walked away from our house, not the most practical decision but it was what we had to do.

We moved very quickly into an apartment, which was difficult without a car. The apartment gives us a small amount of extra money we didn't have before. We take the bus or walk everywhere including the grocery store. It seems like the day lasts so much longer since a lot of the worry has come off our shoulders.

We still have to finish the process and file bankruptcy, which we are not proud of but it's necessary. We could have a lot more money if I worked outside the house but I found a great job as a freelance journalist that doesn't always pay as much as we need but we can also afford to survive on Mike's income alone if necessary. We both are happy with the decision because it gives us more time together and it doesn't seem like we are always together since I work when he works.

We are also finally at a place where we feel like we are ready to have children. We have formed opinions on parenting and such that we never would have done if Nora and Edge had lived. We have been trying to have children the entire time but it just never happened. We are finally seeing a reproductive endocrinologist to help us with that issue and are confident that the third time's the charm for us.

Our Past

We are Randi & Mike, we have been happily married for almost 5 years. We met while working in Vegas at a small casino on the Strip that has been closed for 5 years. We got married shortly after the casino closed and have been trying to get out of Vegas ever since. Mike is a native Las Vegan and I'm from southern Illinois.

We have a 7.5 year old poodle/chow mix named Ruby.We got Ruby 3.5 years ago after losing our angel, Nora. Ruby is a very bossy and opinionated brat. She was abused by a former owner and isn't very trusting. She has finally started trusting us completely but it took some work and she is definitely a momma's girl. She is always wherever I am, is constantly getting in trouble for barking at every noise and being underfoot.

We found out on July 28, 2006 that we were expecting our first baby and were thrilled. The weeks between appointments went quickly and we were thrilled to get to hear our baby's heartbeat at each one. It was at our 20 week ultrasound that we found out that something was very wrong with our daughter. Her heart was enlarged because of an Ebstein's anomoly, her lungs hadn't started developing, her stomach was enlarged, and her growth was extremely stunted.

After an emergency trip to a perinatal specialist, an amnio, and blood work we found out what had caused our baby's problems. Mike has an extremely rare chromosome (he's one of two people on the planet diagnosed with it) defect on the 3rd chromosome, which is responsible for skin and organ development. The perinatal doctor and pediatric cardiologist gave her 0% chance of survival. They gave us the choice to induce labor then so we could see her alive before she passed or to continue the pregnancy with the minute hope that we'd get a miracle. There was no hesitation in us when we decided we'd give her the chance to survive, and neither of us could imagine having to watch her die and being able to do nothing. We found out on our first wedding anniversary that she had passed away.

It was the most devastating time of our lives. She was buried 5 days later. Exactly a week later, my nephew and 2nd Godson was born. We discovered in November 2007 that we were expecting again but a cloud of doubt overshadowed what should have been a happy time for us. We were very afraid that the 50/50 chance the chromosome defect would be passed on and fatal again kept us from being truly happy about it. That baby miscarried at 11 weeks. We don't know for sure but assume it was a boy and call him Edge short for Edward Glenn.

That loss was not nearly as devastating and we were almost expecting it after what happened with Nora.

We bought a house as an investment a year later hoping that when the housing market went back up we'd be able to make enough money to get out of Vegas. Our goal was to basically flip the house and live in it while we were doing it. Three months after we closed on the house I lost my casino job (I'm not going to say where but I will say that my manager WAS and still IS a sexist ass; and my assistant manager wouldn't even bother to show up to work most days and when he did, he'd disappear so he wouldn't have to work).

We hung on to the house for over a year before we realized just how much the value of the house had plummeted and had to make some hard decisions.

Who We Are in Pictures

Our Furbaby Ruby

Randi & Mike now

Me & Mike @ Our Wedding

Cardoza Family December 2006

Our Angel Baby #1 Nora -Stillborn @ 26 Weeks