What Ifs

I'm sure everyone has had one of those what if moments. I don't have many of them, thankfully. There's not much in my life that I do regret or am doubtful enough of to wonder what might have been. There's always been one thing and it hasn't really been an issue for a very long time but it came up recently.

About a week or so ago I had a dream that I was about 14 again and on an annual camping trip with my mom, sister, brother, and a bunch of people in our old church youth group. This isn't a random event, we used to do it annually every year from the time I was about 13 until I was 18. I'm not really sure what brought it up in my mind, maybe because a lot of friends and family members have been going camping in recent months and while Mike and I really enjoy camping we can't go since we are sans vehicle.

Well, back to my point, when I was 14 I had a huge crush on a guy in the youth group and, to me it seemed, there was a lot of chemistry between us. Well, he popped up in this dream. Like I said, in the dream I was about 14 again and the same thing happened in the dream that happened in real life...nothing.

It really shocked me that he was in this dream because even when I had that huge crush on him, I never dreamed about him. It also made me feel really guilty because in the dream all of those old feelings were there even though I don't have them now. I woke up feeling guilty that he'd even been in my dream.

Honestly, I hadn't even thought about this guy until I found his younger brother on facebook and he added me as a friend. I wasn't even sure I wanted to add my former crush as a friend on facebook for just this reason. I didn't want to add him as a friend and start thinking about the what ifs. After this though, I had to really come to terms with it.

Part of that was talking to Mike about it. That's the thing about Mike, I can talk to him about that kind of stuff and he just listens to me. So, I told him I was feeling guilty about having the dream and he asked why. I then told him about things that had happened that I interpreted as chemistry between myself and my former crush. I told him about things that happened on the camping trips, not just with me but everyone that went on them.

I finally told him it's because in the dream I reverted back to a time when I had very strong feelings for someone else and it made me feel like I'd been unfaithful. He told me that I couldn't control what I dream about, so it wasn't as if I'd actually been unfaithful.

I told him another part of it is because part of me does wonder what if. I wouldn't trade what I have with him for anything in the world, but part of me would like to at least have closure on that part of my life. In reality, there wasn't really any closure because my crush moved away to go to school and stayed gone (I haven't seen or talked to him in about 10 years). Once I graduated from high school I went away to school, came back, and then moved away too.

Now that I've had this discussion with Mike, I do feel better. I do feel like I had to tell Mike about all of it before it was truly a non-issue, not that it ever was a real issue between us. I think I had to talk about it because I never really talked about it to anyone. Sure people knew how I felt, but I never really talked in detail about my perceptions of what happened back then. I was deeply embarrassed by my feelings and mortified that anyone would find out or guess those feelings.

I also admitted to Mike that I do wish that I had at least kissed my crush back then because it would have been a form of closure. We talked for a bit then about how there's always the one that got away for a person that nothing happened with and you wish something had just so you can stop wondering.

I'm glad that he and I have the kind of relationship that we can be honest and open about those kinds of things without jealousy entering into it on either side. I think that's what they meant when they say Love is never jealous. If you really truly love someone then jealousy really isn't necessary because you trust so completely in that other person's love. That said, that doesn't mean either of us will put up with someone else trying to take what's ours. Neither of us are willing to share and won't put up with flirtations.

It's one of those things where we trust each other but don't trust others to be so honorable. I'm relieved that feeling of what if has left me since I talked to Mike about this because there is too much between us for me to start wondering about the past.